2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
