i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
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