She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
