Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
