he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
