THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
