If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
