his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
