Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
