Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
