well I can't set my house on fire every night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
