Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
