Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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