I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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