I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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