I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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