He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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