I cannot find my penis.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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