Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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