Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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