Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
