I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
