Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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