That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
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