watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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