I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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