Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
