pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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