I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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