Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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