A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
