Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
