i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
