Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
