My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
