ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
