eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
