The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
