Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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