remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
