I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
