Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Success! We fucked roommates!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
