Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
