i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
