Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
