Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
