I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
