Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
