Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
