My Higher Power is John Stamos
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
