she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
