At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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